Mama Smurf.

I'm taking pregnancy pictures in 2 weeks. Which means I have to find something to wear, which has been quite an adventure. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that regular clothes are simply not meant to fit a massive belly. Maternity clothes, though, are straight up horrible. They're made out of the stretchiest, grossest, hottest fabric ever, and they all flare out. Your body shape is disgusting enough during pregnancy, but apparently that's not enough humiliation, they have to make you look like a fat, short-legged little smurf. I digress...there's a fairly strict list of requirements for this Holy Grail of an outfit of which I seek, including, but not limited to:

1. It must make me look as if I'm 115 pounds and 5 foot 9. With really long legs.
2. It must be a solid color, no prints.
3. It must be tight on my belly, but not obscenely so everywhere else.
4. It must match the bronze and animal print shoes that I bought for the occasion.
5. It must be timeless enough that I don't squirm when I look at the pictures in 5 or 10 years.
6. It must make me look like a goddess. And a supermodel. And a supermom.

So last night I talked my unsuspecting, very good with fashion, sister-in-law into helping me find something. I tried on a few dresses at Black & White...their clothes really are, with a few exceptions, black and white. I stuck with the uniform of strapless dresses and sweet cardigans. Bam! All I needed was a string of pearls, and you could call me Casey Cleaver. Only one problem-the dresses and cardigans fit beautifully, everywhere except my belly. Those poor dresses didn't know what hit them...the fabric was stretched so tight on my middle I could almost hear the very fibers screaming for mercy. Around my hips, the fabric would bunch up to try and make extra room, but it just didn't work. My belly popped out of the cardigans like a basketball, completely ruining the look.
After admitting defeat, we headed to Belk, where I hit the dressing room armed with even more dresses. I tried on a gorgeous, very Jackie-O aqua strapless dress with an empire waist...which looked absolutely beautiful on-only problem? You couldn't even see my belly. Yes, stop the world, I looked un-pregnant. Which sort of defeats the purpose of pregnancy pictures. I did find a dress that looked nice and met most of the requirements...without a fairy godmother I just don't think #1 and #6 are going to happen. It's white with braided straps and pretty ruffling at the chest and back, with a gold belt at the waist. It shows my belly in a goddessy sort of way, and would match my shoes quite nicely. But the triple digit price?
Not my cup of tea.
It's staying on the list as my last-resort dress, but for now, I'll continue to search. Giovanni is going with me on Friday (he says he wants to help, but he's really just making sure I don't spend a lot of money, I'm not stupid.) as my very own Italian Tim Gunn.
I don't think he knows what he's getting into.