My Choice.

I was reading a blog earlier in which the author was discussing abortion...if you would have asked me a year ago if I agreed with abortion, I would have given you an ugly look and spat out a very emphatic "no". Then I probably would've breezed away and not given it a second thought.
Now, the subject haunts me.
I get chills when I pass Planned Parenthood. The thought jolts me every once in a while when I feel Camilla moving. What if she just suddenly wasn't there anymore? And what if I was responsible for that?
I think about it every time I see a woman holding a baby. A vision of her with no baby in her arms always flashes through my head and it makes me sick and I can't think about it anymore.
What if she had exercised her right to choose?
How does a woman live with that decision? I couldn't. I can't even bring myself to play with the thought. As much as I hate pregnancy, I know that I know that I know that this little baby inside of me is just that-a baby. A living, breathing, beautiful little human.
Who am I to play God with her life?
But what if I did? I would never see her face, I would never hear her cry, I would never touch her soft, tiny hands, never kiss her cheeks, never feed her, never hear her first words, never help her take her first steps, never watch her grow up.
Yes, in the eyes of the world, it would be more convenient. I could travel, focus on school, have more money, have no responsibilities, I could be young and carefree for a few more years. But I can't imagine a life that empty. That quiet. I can't imagine having to face that choice, every single day. I think that every moment of every day, I would wonder about that baby. I would think about the life that I had robbed...I would wonder what she would look like, what she would sound like. The guilt would eat me alive.
So call me old fashioned, but I don't believe that women have the right to choose.
No, I didn't choose to have this baby. She didn't fit in with my plans. Is it convenient? No. It's hard. Babies are a huge responsibility. I'd be lying if I said I was completely ready for a baby.
But in just a few months, Camilla will be here, and she needs me. She'll need me for food, for protection, for love. And I'll give that to her. I know that some days will be harder than others, and I won't know what to do, but I also know that Camilla is a wonderful, sweet gift from God and from the moment she was conceived, she was a gift.
I'm sure there will be days when she screams all day, and I'll probably be crying, too. She'll throw tantrums, and I'll want to tear my hair out. She'll poop in the tub, take her clothes off, refuse to sleep, spill her juice, and eat her boogers.
But now that she's on her way, I simply can't imagine life without her.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations."