A Goodbye to "Us".

35 weeks pregnant-yikes. I remember talking to a pregnant woman when I was 20 weeks who was 35 weeks and thinking "that can't possiibly happen to me-I can't get that big, the baby can't get that big...it's impossible. July is so far away! I don't have to think about that right now."
But now I do. I didn't have to think about it when I wasn't very big and not feeling very pregnant (except for the nausea). But now my stomach is huge and my feet and back hurt and I can't bend over to pick things up and I can't put my shoes on without help.
Finally this is real. It seemed sort of real when I first found out that I was pregnant...it's all we talked about...how we'd decorate the nursery, what if it's twins (hahaha), will it look like you or me, etc. That was November and July seemed like an eternity away. I think I sort of had myself convinced that it wasn't real, that when it finally happened I would be magically transformed into perfect June Cleaver and life would be perfect and dinner would be served at 5 each night to my smiling Ward and I would always have perfect hair and would never raise my voice and would always wear pearls.
But now July is staring me in the face, I'm definitely not wearing pearls, and we're waiting. It seems like Camilla is, too. She's head down and has dropped and it seems like the three of us are in our own little universe, just waiting. Giovanni and I are on pins and needles, and it shows. We're super polite to each other, unemotional, really quiet.
I know what he's thinking, because I'm thinking the same thing..."us" is about to be over. Never again will we be alone. Never again can we be selfish...that year-long trip we were discussing when I found out that I was pregnant with Camilla? It will never happen. There will be vacations, yes, but there will always be someone waiting for us back home. Someone who needs us, someone that we are responsible for. We can't screw up. We can't do this over. We're living for someone else now.
And so we wait...I deal with the nerves by talking incessantly and planning and making lists and being OCD about everything and not eating and jumping from one thing to the next. Giovanni deals with it by being quiet...he hasn't said he's nervous but I can tell by the way he stares out the window and just smiles at me while I talk at 100 miles per hour. He tosses and turns at night and I can tell his mind is a million miles away these days. I know he tosses and turns because I'm laying next to him, wide awake when I should be sleeping. In some strange way, it makes me feel a little better knowing that I'm not the only one who's scared.
We're both doing a lot of praying...for peace, for a safe, healthy delivery, for us to be able to conquer those sleep-deprived first weeks.
We're about to hit a frenzied few weeks, and I know having so many things to do will help with the nerves...we have to finish the nursery and the baby shower is in two weeks. I have to pack a bag for the hospital, pre-register, organize the nursery, and find a pediatrician. Mundane things, but I'm grateful for something to fill the time.
I don't mean to sound so heavy...we are so very excited about meeting Camilla, and I imagine every first-time parent feels this way.
I know that in the months after she's born, we'll think about these last few weeks and laugh, thinking about how silly we were to worry so much.

Shalom. :)